yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
thank god the sign was there
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits