Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful