yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
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A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Monday?
No. Next question.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.