yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
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wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Never be a pizza!