“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.