“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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This raises questions
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Muppet Screams
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.