Yeah. This was me today.
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I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
We cut our bangs at dawn.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!