Yeah. This was me today.
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Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
😂😂
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
rest in peas
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia