Yeah. This was me today.
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Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.