Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

opening a flower shop called women in stem

Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos

Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

😬

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”