Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

LMAO

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.