“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
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If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Cats are still liquid.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
me logging onto twitter
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.