Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients: