@DemetriusHarmon

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

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@mommajessiec

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

@neiltyson

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

@UnFitz

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

@tchrquotes

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

@Tommytoughstuff

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

@IntrepidDeviant

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

@tommygunz07

Hugh Hefner lived so long that his first wife’s name was Mildred and his last wife’s name was Crystal.

@batkaren

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*