yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
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Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I think the cat got the dog high.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap