yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?