I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that