Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
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The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
“The Perfect Relationship”
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.