Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
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Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Still cracks me up
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties