Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

Name another movie that mislead you?

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.