Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

me working on my assignments ^-^

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now