Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”