Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.