Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
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#growingpains
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
i just found this in my phone
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.