Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

I hate when that happens.

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!