@LanieLalaBugs

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

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@jerm1991

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

@SteveKoehler22

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

@TheHyyyype

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

@KissabiX

[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?

@Sickayduh

My cat’s tongue is like a little piece of sandpaper. I’m scratched to hell but this floor is almost finished.

@Darlainky

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

@Sanbel11

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

@ArfMeasures

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

@LoveNLunchmeat

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

@CherBear162

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.