Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

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I don’t worry when two shopping carts are stuck together, I just go with it and use both…or three. Today I had a row of ten.


I’m up for any New Year’s Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, and doesn’t require real pants.


You haven’t built just a wall around you; you’ve constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.


horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me


Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.



My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.


ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.


Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph


*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*


A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.