Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
You Might Also Like
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”