yeah đ
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What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time âfor good measureâ.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My dogs didnât feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
âCan you put it all in an email?â
Translations:
1. I havenât been listening
2. I have been listening and what youâre saying is important, but I simply wonât remember it all
3. I have been listening but youâre going on a bit and Iâd like you to go away now
4. I want aâŚ
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Iâm not afraid of spiders.
Iâm afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
As I get older, I donât refer to myself as âwell seasonedâ.
Iâm more âfermentedâ.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Put a ring on it
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Oh no
Me: *putting on docuseries about the âYorkshire Ripperâ*
Husband: isnât that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.