“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
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All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My god she’s good.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home