“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
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My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Good morning.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I know
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.