“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
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I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
translated into Canadian
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”