“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
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So many pants.
So little yoga.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.