Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.