Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

🦝🔥🦝🔥

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks