Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
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As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
May never get over this
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
👽
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me: