Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

yeah not falling for this one

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing