Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

Brb my Sims are getting married

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.