Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

lot going on here, legally speaking.

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame