[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
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Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Can Happiness buy money?
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.