Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.