Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere