Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
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[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s