Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.