year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
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If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess