Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*