Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

Pringles