Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

Received some very disappointing news today

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time