Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

Salad is the decaf of food.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke