Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
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You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I hope they boil the right one.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:
“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.