Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
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Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…