Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
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3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
A dad and his duck
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending