Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

The Wolf of Wall Street.

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.