Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them