Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
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Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.