Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
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My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
There’s only one good girl here!
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.