Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

ㅤ

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

I was just discussing this with my cat

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”