Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
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How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.