Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
You Might Also Like
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
