Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
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[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
This is my brand.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.