Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

LOL

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

same but as an audience member

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.