Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
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Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.