Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
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I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I don’t know what to do
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
the #horror is real!
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I have so many questions.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex