Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
