Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
