Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
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My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?