Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

And that about sums it up.

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.