Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Finally, an explanation.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.