Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

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I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.


3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*


When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.


Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.


Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(


Me: I set a timer for 10 minutes and then it’s time to go in.

4: 7

Me: but 10 is more than 7.

4: ok, then 6 minutes

Me: …you got a deal


I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??


My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen. 🙂


I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.