Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
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Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?