Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
So glad we cleared that up
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
