Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

the zen of frog

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university