Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
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*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
We need to put an American base on the sun
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.