*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
