*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
